Phee-roo!

The ones I don’t kill go insane.

Archive for the ‘Humor’


A Raccoon Fragged My Car

A raccoon broke my car… I was like, going down the road on US-51, just chillin’, listening to some Ying Yang Twinz, bwah bwah bwah… and then out of nowhere, there’s a killer coon, probably all hopped up on PCP.

So it’s running out from the median, so I bob and weave, and swerve, but I can’t shake it, it was locked on! It was DefCoon level 2 all up in my hizzy. So boom, I hit it, well it went under the car, and it jumped at precisely the right moment to smash it’s insurgent body into my radiator… I swear I heard it scream “JIHAD!” as it’s life was removed from it’s body. I wonder if it was surprised to find no raccoon virgins waiting for it in raccoon hell.

I didn’t know at the time that the terrorists had won, as I thought I had simply killed a raccoon. Then, 5 miles later, the damage was revealed as my car let me know it was out of coolant. So I pulled over to Sonic, to see if it was simply a broken tube or what, but alas, my radiator was bent to hell. Looks like about $1500 worth of damage. So I had my car towed back to Tulsa, and took care of everything else this morning, so it’s all good.

“Asian Driving” Gene Found By Scientists

Scientists in the Czech Republic report today that they have discovered the gene that causes ‘asian driving’; a condition found in over 75% of Asian women worldwide. “This breakthrough would mean that just one more racial stereotype could be put to rest, and it would increase the safety on roads all over the world,” says scientist Dr. Evzan Petrak, professor of genetic diversity research at the University of Caslav and leader of the study. “After initial inquiries into the subject, all signs pointed to a genetic defect, which is when the project was handed over to my team.”

“Asian driving” has been a harmful stereotype of Asian women for a long time. A quick search on the internet turns up several horror stories of Asian women careening across highways and medians, disregarding traffic signs, and driving against the flow of traffic.

Eugene Lee, 29, is excited about the new discovery and what it could mean for her new daughter, “I’m just so happy that my daughter will be safe on the road and not harm herself or others.”

Dr. Petrak is ready for his team’s discovery to be applied in the real world. “We were very lucky to have so many expecting Asian mothers interested in our research, when the time finally came for our research to be applied, we had found the perfect candidate” says Petrak about Korean woman Eugene Lee, 29, who’s expected daughter will be the first to benefit from the research. “I am always so ashamed when I have to drive a vehicle, I find driving to be extremely difficult and often find myself at the end of rude gestures from other drivers on the road,” says Lee.

Eugene Lee is not the only Asian woman that feels this way. In survey conducted in 2002, 64% of Asian woman admitted they were scared to drive, and 79% replied that they often found themselves being honked at and at the receiving end of ‘road rage’.

What the research team found is that many Asian women are lacking the gene that allows them to make logical decisions while moving quickly. “While this would certainly affect several aspects of their lives, the shortcoming definitely shows up most often while driving,” say Elijah Vojak, one of the researchers. “When we removed the gene from a set of lab mice and had them do high speed activities, over 85% of the mice without gene made the opposite decisions of mice with the gene. After that experiment, we knew we were on the right track.”

“I’m just so happy that my daughter will be safe on the road and not harm herself or others,” says Eugene Lee, “hopefully the term ‘asian driving’ will be completely obsolete in the next century.”